He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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