you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
