I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
