He uses pillows to masturbate.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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