And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
