Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
"it" just moved
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
just found out that she named her cat after me.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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