Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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