How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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