Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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