Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
worst night to have a conscience
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
