This dress was meant to end up on your floor
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
