I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
