the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
