I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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