the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
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