hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Randomize
