So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
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