Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
Randomize
