I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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