listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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