Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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