Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
