haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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