So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
