And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
