why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
