I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
