I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Randomize
