Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
