i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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