i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
