God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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