Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
