i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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