He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I'm sobbing to NWA
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
