Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Randomize
