the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
