I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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