you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
