I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Randomize
