I can feel you judging me through the phone.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
Randomize
