My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
