She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
