checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
