I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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