just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
