you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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