so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
