Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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