Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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