Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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